Time has no meaning for me anymore. Nothing has any meaning anymore. Nothing matters to me anymore. All I want to do is watch my family in the mirror. Be a part of their lives again. Be me again. But just simply watching them isn’t enough for me anymore.
I want to hear my sisters laughing. I want to smell Grandma’s freshly baked cookies. I want to feel the Twinbrook sun on my face as I take Thor out on a ride. I want to play the guitar, or drums, or piano again. I want to be the old me again. The awesome me again. I want that more than anything. Sitting here, seeing my family live their lives without me, is just a painful reminder that what I want isn’t possible.
And that makes me angry. Frustrated. Bitter.
It is too much for me to take. But I can’t look away either. I can’t shut my eyes and turn them off. So I continue to sit here.
How long has it been? Who knows? Who cares?
Time has no meaning for me anymore.
I am not ashamed to admit that I have had personal experience with depression, so I know how it feels. This disease literally cripples you to the point where even basic things like eating, showering, or getting out of bed are too trying to manage.
If you yourself, or maybe someone you know, struggles with this horrible disease, you need to know that you are not alone. There are people who love you, people who care about you. And I am one of those people. You are not alone.
I have added a few links to the bottom that might be helpful to anyone who is struggling with depression, or thoughts of suicide. And if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I am always here.
US National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Resources to Help with Depression: (this site has a ton of phone numbers and other sites to help)